The Tyranny Got Me – Michael’s Last Thread

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5:57 am Sunday February 27, 2022 Couple of videos will be live Sunday February 27th, 2022. First will Premiere on youtube at 9am, the other will go live at 9:12am. 9:00am ; 9:12am .

3:42 pm Saturday February 26, 2022 Heard back from friend about storing boxes he said yes but now the issue is can I get them to him? No lift, no can do. You know what? I am thinking I should stop trying, maybe stop inflicting myself upon others, ffs. You are a loser Michael, no one else’s responsibility! But that Human Rights Case against these people, that would be helpful to continue pursuing…wish I could assign it posthumously to someone else.

1:15 pm Saturday February 26, 2022 Well, the hours are counting down now, eighteen, seventeen…One last selfish MMA UFC Show to see to ease the silence of not making connections with others, leaving me here. I am fan of Bobby Green and hope he does well but might just see one more nail or confirmation for the end. Either way actually, he wins yay for the future yay I can go in peace, he loses oh there goes the last vestiges of my world as shall I go, as well.

12:00 noon Saturday February 26, 2022 Got through, once I allowed Caller ID to work, interesting, but they can do nothing, no referrals to beds, shelters so well, there it is, the end. Why do people nominally say they want me to stay alive? Is it some sort of slave-culture thing? Livestock should not kill itself? Minor, fleeting feelings of despair in them that goes away as soon as they get hungry again? You may prefer staying alive but so what Michael, others are indifferent or overwhelmed or gleeful at your demise. So accept your fate dude, accept your fate.

11:06 am Saturday February 26, 2022 So there is a crisis center number I was given to call if need be but no one answers the clinician line. Called a few times, spoke to reception, they are busy. Or the world is being clear what I need to do. I am in better shape to get out of it than I was when I first became homeless years ago but without someplace to go, even a shelter, there is nothing and the shelters are full of people now so if they cannot get me in, then fuck it, death is all I have. Foolish to wait this long, eh. Well that is one issue. Another would be to focus more on personal in-person relationships versus online, past friends etc. Oh well, insight too late, eh. lol. Death, alright, whatever man, whatever, accept your fate.

7:48 pm Saturday February 26, 2022 Couple of videos will be live tomorrow, Sunday February 27th, 2022. First will Premiere on youtube at 9am, the other will go live at 9:12am. 9:00am ; 9:12am .

3:45 pm Friday February 25, 2022 All hope is gone, now.

3:06 pm Friday February 25, 2022 – UPDATE February 26th, 3:42PM See Above Men sacrifice their lives to help others. In my case, expose wrong-doing and prevent more suffering of myself. Sacrifice I make so you or others do not experience the injustice I have. I told a friend if he could take some boxes I have a tent and a sleeping maybe I can try being homeless again but I heard nothing back from him so there you go, inevitable as no one is really interested in helping. There is no one who cares this is the fate of those like me in Canada. My friends online simply waiting to say, “There, his suffering is over, sad case… now, what is for lunch?” No, I am not complaining about their attitude, only mine and me for being foolish.

1:42 pm Friday February 25, 2022 Beautiful day out. No more for Vancouver after today, though.

12:12 pm Friday February 25, 2022 Well I do not see any assistance on the horizon so looks like this is the last night for me as kind of expected in the past few days but I did give it a bit, a chance to see if things can right themselves but nope, I am finished. Instead of a wake and bake, awake then a wake. You are going to miss my way with words, even if you do not like all or most of them.

10:36 am Friday February 25, 2022 Speak now or forever hold your peace. JFS Vancouver knew if I became homeless again I would kill myself. I told them that and they know it. The VPD did not charge the people who assaulted me, made death threats and intimidation against me. Which has led to my sudden eviction on February 28th. I have been homeless, it is better to die than be homeless because I have been through it already. No more suffering. Today I am here and that will have to be good enough for you. Speak now or forever hold your peace.

9:54 am Friday February 25, 2022 I have anxiety but I have dealt with it myself. I can relate incidents from childhood which show the anxiety but what I learned to do is walk in the face of bad feelings, do things even if I feel bad, anxious, scared. I have a grim task to do which I prefer not to but have no other options. The physical disabilities with the tendons in both arms with other arthritis-type issues in neck and being incapable of eating nightshades without extreme pain, no choices left but the grim task. Be nice to have friends or a family but I foolishly lost some of them, friends, while the other, family, lost me. Less teary today, a good sign to get it done, accepting.

9:39 am Friday February 25, 2022 Good video on seizing bank accounts, on the neo-feudal globalist onslaught against democracy, transparency, accountability and liberty. “Give Send Gone

9:33 am Friday February 25, 2022 Say what you are going to say today. I will not be responding tomorrow.

7:48 am Friday February 25, 2022 The VPD did not arrest, charge, nothing, three separate assaults against me. Seriously, the VPD caused this in very large part. Anyone who cared would contact me directly not send 911 last night. I am pissed off at the VPD for doing nothing, no charges on my assailants so what will they do, fight me to the death for what they have brought on? It’s stupid all around, any way you look at it.

6:54 pm Thursday February 24, 2022 Contact me first to know anything. Do your own dirty work, do not send others in your place, thank you. If you are feeling guilty about something, tell me, what is 911 going to do, send in swat? That will help how exactly. I’m not hard to contact online.

3:24 pm Thursday February 24, 2022 Die tomorrow, die Saturday, die tomorrow, no, last a day longer, wait until it is natural to do it…not Friday, wait, Saturday freezing snap ends, grey skies but I am suffering now, waiting, painfully alone, no, wait another day, not tomorrow, until Saturday at the least.

2:54 pm Thursday February 24, 2022 A bit over 15 hours to go until tomorrow morning but I should try to last until Saturday morning, which I have just thought, right now looking at the forecast. One last freezing morning tomorrow. One last Sunny day does not make me happy, more like miserable to think no more for me. Heart-breaking. We shall see tomorrow but I would strongly advise you communicate with me today, this evening latest, not tomorrow.

2:48 pm Thursday February 24, 2022 So alone, gutting, Help! But no one is there, no one who can or will help so to your fate, Michael, to your fate. No one has written or messaged me today, it is over, I am alone and have been for more years than I cared to acknowledge. Never thought it would lead to my death nor lead to one so painful over so many days. All that lonely pain I hollowed away from myself, for decades in some cases returned with a vengeance these past 7 days. So yes I can do myself in because no one else cares, I have hung around longer than others prefer. No reason to stay alive other than to help others or myself but I cannot do anything without housing. Death will be my only savior now, regretfully. People misusing my death for other purposes, nothing I can do about that either but certainly wish they would not.

1:39 pm Thursday February 24, 2022 I am glad I will not have to kill anything to eat anymore. I have been a little bummed about that, even as I promote killing less animals per meal, it has bothered me this past year or two. One cow per year can feed 2 to 5 people versus chicken which would take mass murder to feed just one person, 100 to 300 deaths per year per person versus 1/2 to 1/5th of a death per year for a cow eater.

1:18 pm Thursday February 24, 2022 Eating all the junk food I have not for past few years. Will not matter any more and I need things to try to sooth me as I await the inevitable. Seems foolish, the waiting but I will today.

11:48 am Thursday February 24, 2022 Yes, everyone wants me to die or simply do not care so get over yourself Michael, get it done. Delays are delusional, dude, delays are delusional. Still cold need something for crows in the morning tomorrow though, then you can die, Michael, not before, one last duty. Got it.

11:03 am Thursday February 24, 2022 Sobbing, no, no more after today, no more pain, no more! Setting some Tigah pictures my last cat on FB to a public list called “hello” I created…cannot change the images to public from private regretfully. My little guy, I failed you years ago, I go to my fate my love, I am sorry Tigah, I miss you more than anything, miss any and all love I ever had. There is only nothingness, heart-break, death is all that is left. Be manly about it, Michael. I am a voluntary celibate not an incel, just fyi – there are many women who are attracted to me, but I have very strong parameters for myself. Had different gf’s in the past, know what I like, what is good and if I cannot get it, then hello porn and memories. But yes maybe should have done more on that front.

10:42 am Thursday February 24, 2022 Not sure about the coffee/sugar, re: 8:21 am below, feeling less sobby but a little frustrated or a very, very mild anger, grittiness, upset? Sucks anyway it comes. Want to wait until Saturday but I do not see that happening right now,the pressure is awful. If not for the freezing crow conditions, I would be gone already.

9:33 am Thursday February 24, 2022 Non-Stop Brutal Sorrow, so hard. No one to love, who knew that was really something that matters…no one to hug, no one, alone. How can I even last another minute, another second let alone another day? No one may copyright these words after my death, free to use for everyone.

9:00 am Thursday February 24, 2022 All these things I am doing to not bother my friends for whom my heart breaks constantly now, also breaks my heart. “Look, I am nice, kind, caring for my long lost friends.” Oh I should have found a girl or moved back to where there might be friends but really they closed our English language schools, destroying our community in Montreal so even that was destroyed many decades ago. See, delusional attachment to others instead of family due to bad parenting.

8:33 am Thursday February 24, 2022 I wish I had a friend to spend my last day of life with! This is really, really hard. Can sugar help with the coffee? Maybe a little but this is a very hard day to get through, my last. Alone, tormented by never seeing all these lovely things I see today. Me, me, me, eh? Sobbing while giving some meat this morning, I won’t be around to eat it, to that one crow family who know and like me earlier in the day, never to see them again, never to have them fly near me, following me. Gutting, poor little guys I hope they can find someone else to love them as much I do/did and do not get mislead by a mean person. I will be dead, nothing more. I am the only one who feels bad about that and when gone, those feelings gone too. Other people have lives to live even if in a nightmare world that is getting worse and worse by the hour, let alone the day.

8:21 am Thursday February 24, 2022 No one cares, no one to talk to on my final day of life. Will not contact anyone on FB Messenger even though I am terribly lonely, need someone, something, love that is real…well that is the problem Michael, you have none of that, on you and others sure but also on you Michael, die alone in sorrow Michael. Maybe one cup of coffee to get through rest of this last day, can help mood better than tea.

8:00 am Thursday February 24, 2022 I told the Canadian media, who knew/know me that by hiding me, censoring me and my work, the world was going to get worse every year…I think started warning everyone in 2016 or 2017 but they stayed silent and now I am almost dead…your world is being destroyed all around you, when I am dead, you think things are going to get better? After being horrible because my work and I were never reported? After I have repeatedly said My Death is Your Death? But now it is too late.

6:51 am Thursday February 24, 2022 Waiting to die sucks. The waiting part is difficult emotionally. “Get it over with, stop suffering!”
“One more day, Michael, you have been tortured by pain for years, you can do this one more day. You have been lonely for many years maybe decades now, what is one more day of sorrow, even if no longer disregarding that loneliness, now active in the forefront of emotions? One last day, dude, one last day.”

5:30 am Thursday February 24, 2022 Be aware the digital space has created a lot of instant gratification. I felt it during the first media wave, print, when I could create something on a Mac then print it right away and hold, see it. Something never previously capable in human society. Cancel culture, murder culture would be more accurate, also is an instant gratification thing: words, actions, results. Today is the last day to talk to me, thanks.

2:45 pm Wednesday February 23, 2022 Heart-breaking heartbreak, hello, my name is Michael. Is it maudlin if I write so, even if true and authentic? Is the question only there to allow some sort of exit from the feeling? Yes to them all, I guess. So early, skies graying over, more accurate for what I feel but I wish I did not feel this way. Too late for me…”hang on Michael, help those little guys frozen out of their food sources tomorrow, help them, your final duty, do the right thing”. They will adapt for next year when I am no longer here after they get through this late frozen snap.

11:54 am Wednesday February 23, 2022 Little guys, we All have emotions and thoughts as animals. We and the birds are both upright species, which most mammals are not, just fyi. Brains, heads require polar or spherical coordinate systems, while four-legged creatures and others are linear coordinate systems, so humans and others have both linear and polar coordinate-based tissue systems. Here are some videos of precious interactions with birds:

10:09 am Wednesday February 23, 2022 It is funny/curious how I am going to die like a house cat will…no where near friends/family. They often will go away if they are ill or think they are dying. Who knows if they think/feel they have to go away to die now, feeling shame but I think they do, why else do it? I know I do! Millicent was a cat I grew up with in New England who I have fond memories of and miss. She did give me the love and affection I was missing at home, setting me up for a lifetime of cat-like emotions and responses to life. I miss you Tigah, more than anything, my last cat which died from stress of having another cat around I rescued from a friend, stupidly. Hurt my love and me by doing so, my fault as I thought his cat was cool or different because it would eat fruit – which in hindsight he may have done for attention, poor cat but my cat thoughts rest with Tigah. I am sorry my friend, I am sorry. Soon come.

8:56 am Wednesday February 23, 2022 Silence, the ever-present reminder of how alone I am, has become oppressive and unbearable. Perhaps it will make it easier to get it done when it occurs. Today would be a good day to talk to me. Yeah, I wanted to live but could not without a bed, place to live in peace. Homeless is a lie, the wrong word, they are made-in Canada refugees – the homeless are refugees the country’s politicians created on purpose with their housing and migration, both human and wealth, policies.

8:48 am Wednesday February 23, 2022 When, is becoming clearer.

8:36 am Wednesday February 23, 2022 Well, if everything makes me sad that I am trying to use to get through the day, the ability to live wanes considerably, regretfully. It gets worse as the day wears on but then relents a little when darkness falls. I am a Sun guy for sure. One morning soon there will be no day for me as I cannot take the heartbreak any longer. Have to actively hang on now, keep telling myself that until at least the cold snap is over for the little birds who could use a hand up until the freezing goes away. Not long for this world, I regret to say.

8:06 am Wednesday February 23, 2022 Switching to making a cup of coffee from the usual green tea reminds me when I use to drink coffee when I had friends and a family. Bit of a heart-break there. Imagine daily activities that hurt you emotionally, yet you have to stay alive for another day or two at least. Very difficult. I thought of drinking the coffee now to help mood…works better for that versus green tea which is great for body health but not a heavy hitter the way coffee is.

6:33 am Wednesday February 23, 2022 Microwaving the hummingbird feeder is an important duty on these last freezing days before I am gone.

5:51 am Wednesday February 23, 2022 Must be winding down, there goes the last vitamin I take in the morning. How much longer can I hang on, very tough going just hanging on for a few more days but want to help the local crows in this freezing snap. Ends Saturday then they are good for the year and will adjust to the next year. Not sure I can wait so long. Like picking on a bandaid, just get it over with, already. Thursday, Saturday what does it matter, I’ll be gone ffs, “who cares Michael, who cares, dummy, one day or the next?”. Not today, though, not today.

5:21 pm Tuesday February 22, 2022 I am sorry, I have been remiss, how have you been? I wish you were here, I wish we were friends together now. Sleep is on my mind, how will it be, will I be able to…sleep well my friends, sleep well. Do not isolate yourself too much. I found knowledge but the price was high.

5:24 pm Tuesday February 22, 2022 Super hard guys, you never know what will bring on the sobbing from heart-break. Putting on headphones again with a friends show on FB, which predates FB btw, seeing him, knowing I would never hear him do it again, had me sobbing, teary…almost logging off…not sure if I can still listen more…oh so lonely…yes I listened/watched again after that wave went through. 5:44pm Stream just ended, not sobby but heart-break renews itself.

4:42 pm Tuesday February 22, 2022 So alone! Sobbing Oh my friends I had friends I did I swear I wish I had my friends now, I do, I do…can I even last another day? Sobbing. I don’t know…to die alone, to suffer alone, no one should have my life, my death, no one.

3:57 pm Tuesday February 22, 2022 Confirmed, it is over for me. I want to help out my crow friends around the neighborhood for one last cold snap in the next couple of days then it will be over for me. When I was younger I was curious about dying, what it would be like. Pretty sure I know, nothing. No, I am not interested in it, it just came up with no other options left. Had ‘everything’ now less than nothing but death, far too soon for me but likely later than some others would have liked.

1:54 pm Tuesday February 22, 2022 I so want to tell my friends, ask me something now, this is the last chance you will ever have, do not regret not asking! I am so, too alone but I have already told them I would leave them alone from further thoughts a few days ago, mentioned here below, “Apology” to my childhood friends, sparing them guilt or other feelings. Imagine, some dude whining to you about struggling to die when he has to die. Crazy, definitely would not inflict that on them, even if I am intensely lonely and want to reach out, need to reach out, need loving contact so badly I sob if I just start thinking about contacting them, letting them know how lonely I am…which is probably why I am here in the first place. No social group anymore, no friends, family…I may not want to but I have to die. Death bait, for sure.

1:48 pm Tuesday February 22, 2022 Seems crazy to wait, prolong the suffering if it will only be delaying the inevitable for a few days, does it not? Others would disagree. I feel both, wanting and not wanting. It is good to have a record of the things people go through during events like this, one last hard duty. It does seem a little easier, thinking about eating for example getting hungry, in the afternoon than the morning though the overlayed layer of sadness persists.

1:24 pm Tuesday February 22, 2022 No one cares about me, without family that is not possible, a comforting/enabling self-delusion I should never have been exposed to, let alone misguide me for decades. Until it matters seems fine, then it is like, oh damn, I am not an island and damn not everyone had no trusted guidance. Think the last that happened for me was an old friend named Johnny, not his legal name but his ‘real’ or second one. He was a great older boy who befriended me, the last person I trusted for advice I think back in the 1970’s. Always needed a mentor, father sort of thing that I never had. Oh well, ‘Stop whining Michael’, things are over, you are over, it no longer matters…just keep telling myself that, over and over…make it easier, doable.

12:27 pm Tuesday February 22, 2022 Here is the patent that was ‘abandoned’ due to lack of sleep and other disruptions: GRAIN FREE PIZZA AND PIE DOUGH pdf

12:24 pm Tuesday February 22, 2022 Got the official legal notice, does not help.

12:03 pm Tuesday February 22, 2022 You do not want to edit your own end-related stuff. It sucks, pretty heart-breaking. But I soldier on, records, wanting to be understood and all that.

11:33 am Tuesday February 22, 2022 Can’t say I recommend dying, nor waiting to die, with no one, no family, no friends around. It is not pleasant, at the best. Especially if you were sociably-inclined growing up and actually had family members and friends as a youth.

10:51 am Tuesday February 22, 2022 Do not get high, just makes it worse. Feel awful, easier to be sad, harder on you it seems which is a little strange because dying is the only way out of it so what the hell? Necessary at night for sleep though at this stage sleep may not exactly be something you can do. Will see. Definitely makes the day longer, your suffering more ever-present than you want, more painful or difficult, moment to moment. No soothing nor assistance there for this. How many hours do I have left, under 120? Do not want to make every one of them torturous. You know, we all have things inside us that stay down until a crisis strikes…the issue is whether it is a true crisis or simply an obstacle. I cannot eat without causing pain, nightshades – tomatoes, potatoes, peppers, paprika – which is in every ingredient you see labelled “spice” or “spices” nor grains like oats and even cannot even eat mint, mint!, producing automatic crippling pain. I need grass fed milk with green tea in morning to stave off pain even if not feeling pain in the morning. Hot shower followed sometimes by hot head floating/submerging bath to deal with pain. I can do none of those things homeless, nor sleep. I am dead, there is nothing else for me.

9:39 am Tuesday February 22, 2022 Kept wondering why that Pitbull/Neo mashup song was on my mind recently, “give me everything tonight” from 2011 Billboard awards…it just showed up as a memory on my Facebook page today. Well guess this really is the end of me, things really winding down, as it were…Time showing me what is up…so much better if I had lived. Cannot share it on FB right now, change to public as I am suspended…and likely will no longer be around to switch it to public when the suspension is over but here it is if you can ask a FB friend of mine to share it with you:

8:15 am Tuesday February 22, 2022 All my bills have been paid now, cloud storage, internet, hydro. My malfeasant female parent taught me to evade bills, etc. by example, growing up. Others want to glorify single mothers, I can not. It is 100% the wrong way to raise children. Yes, I do not want to die but there is no longer any choice in that matter. Was willing to go on a hunger strike to get right to grow like someone who owns their home versus renting, what did they think was going to happen if evicted after the years long, unresolved Human Rights Complaint? Tormented to death.

7:36 am Tuesday February 22, 2022 The ghouls who will be using my death for their own purposes, of course I do not like that idea, right, left, wherever their desire for power over others lie.

5:24 am Tuesday February 22, 2022 Think that was the last decent night sleep I will ever have. Warm bed, I cannot lose that, no way to live without one, my own. The Sun is shining for a few days but not forever. Tonight, tomorrow the stress and pressure will start becoming everything. My death is your death, said it before but well, here we are.

5:21 pm Monday February 21, 2022 Yes, Canada the Charter and last vestige of democracy is now gone. Votes were: Tyranny 185 NDP, Greens, and Liberals versus Liberty 151 Conservatives and Bloc Quebecois.

5:06 pm Monday February 21, 2022 Canada’s political parties, not Canadians, are now voting likely in favour of installing Palpatine/Trudeau/Schwab dictatorial rule over everyone and everything else in Canada.

4:24 pm Monday February 21, 2022 Deadly! Flashed back to how much I loved on first impression the Star Trek series when it came out as a cartoon back in the day then boom, gut-sucking, heart-wrenching sadness, times a thousand, help!! Family…friends…. Horrible feelings of a different sort than one normally experiences horrible things. Good reason one should not go through this sort of thing, this the p.o.v. reality of what that is like.

2:58 pm Monday February 21, 2022 I thought if I lost I would have until the end of March instead last Thursday get out February 28th is why I am finished.

1:54 pm Monday February 21, 2022 Of course, TRUDEAU ROAST and there are still a small group of die hards in Ottawa at the War Museum, Live here right now 2 pm:

1:21 pm Monday February 21, 2022 Eaten enough sugar past 24 hours for a month, that is for sure. Seems to help, today.

12:42 pm Monday February 21, 2022 Macabre Maths of the past few days, like life expectancy, 42 to 162 hours, which days are unsunny, and the like. Need distractions or the heart-break is too much, way too much. The livestreams with all those people on the weekend were very helpful.

11:50 am Monday February 21, 2022 The silence I craved but never really got in the past here, is now a constant reminder of how alone I am. I must always escape it now or fall hard emotionally…harder emotionally, sobbing catching me if I do not watch out. Hard to be alone at the end with a difficult, unpleasant but necessary task to do, drawing it out not helping but better for others and self. One more day. See if there is any possibility for life but as I wrote earlier I will give that up in my mind in earnest, the last hope extinguished starting in my mind tomorrow though of course on mind now, but being fought, telling myself to wait, no matter how sorrowful I feel. Wait, stay alive, wait, not long to know, wait. Wait.

10:48 am Monday February 21, 2022 Normally I would post this stuff on Facebook where others could see or find it easily but I was suspended recently, so the timing is a perfect kill-shot against me, right now. Silent death as far as anyone is concerned, no one but those who know this page will know what happened. 11:04 am I will start directing my mind to the idea there is no hope, it is over tomorrow after I wake up. Until then, anyone or no one looking at this, have a lovely day.

10:33 am Monday February 21, 2022 Yes, I think others are getting on just fine without me, a good thing. “It is okay Michael, it is okay. You are the only one hurting or will be hurt in any true way. It is just your misplaced love emotions, group, bonding, friend emotions which in normally-raised people would be familial emotions. Anchors. You, Michael, just you did not start a family yourself so there you go, adrift with no way to stay afloat.”

9:46 am Monday February 21, 2022 So hard, the sadness very difficult when it spikes when remembering a friend or interacting with one, much more difficult, sadder, sobbier, tearier than I thought earlier. Life of errors, mine and those given to me. Seems more difficult to hang on for a couple of days longer versus the alternative but I am doing so, hanging on, all the same. 10:00 am It reduces to the lesser sadness eventually, so far. Still not easy though, just not sobby but a layer of emotional hurt.

8:12 am Monday February 21, 2022 With a public holiday here and in America, a holding day. Nothing can be done, decided, nor planned. Difficult under circumstances but less physically painful even if it feels emotionally worse versus the pain life these past few years. Decades prior I was clueless about why pain but had access to OTC pain relief.

7:24 am Monday February 21, 2022 Glenn Greenwald has a great video/article on Trudeau’s tyranny, how it has slow-rolled over Western Civilization’s zeitgeist, how Trudeau’s actions relate to what was done to Wikileaks. Substack: The Neoliberal War on Dissent in the West , Rumble video: Banishment from the Financial System: the War on Dissent

7:00 am Monday February 21, 2022 The constant sadness you feel, it is hard to take when it is constant but easier or different than the intense sorrow described yesterday. Intense ones are the worst but none yet today, trying not to veer in that direction. Try not to recall loved occasions with friends from the past, but if so, an image comes to mind, veer away! distract! when they show up. Still feel it though, One night out from High School of Montreal friends and my best friend from then keeps coming back, sigh. That hurts, a little teary writing about it just now. More sadness than the low level of sadness which flows through me unless distracted so far this morning. It is early, today. I do not expect the hurt to abate, going forward from now. Have to deal with it.

5:50 am Monday February 21, 2022 Couple of hard days ahead, delaying the inevitable while the world reacts to Trudeau. Is it stupid to wait, to see what happens today and tomorrow? Waste suffering on hope? Why bother, does it matter? Sure. Two days to be sure there is nothing versus nothing is better then the no more, even if they are difficult days. If fortunate, maybe one last good night’s sleep then the stress will be too much afterwards. So, one more delusional-based good night’s sleep tonight then, it is! Hurrah.
Let us see what this day brings…it is a public holiday here, “Family Day”. Hmm, I think that is one of the things I am lacking. So one more business day to go through tomorrow then fate will be clear. But until then, let us watch what the world thinks of Trudeau and Canada.
It was weird watching the livestreams on Saturday of the protestors juxtaposed with hearing the NDP in Parliament describing them as psycho white nationalists! It was so out of touch with the reality right there on screen that I and others were seeing…crazy. Curious if they foolishly passed this act of lunacy and the results of that today, tomorrow….

2:45 pm Sunday February 20, 2022 Alright, well, that food itch has been scratched. The other stuff, I gotta stuff that away, keep it from coming out, especially when events draw to a close. Good to practice before then. Hollowing the hole of loneliness is something I learned years ago even if it is not impermeable, is leaky, especially now.

2:33 pm Sunday February 20, 2022 Oh my friends I miss you! I miss you! I miss you! Sobbing I miss you, I miss you, I miss you! My friends…long disentangled from high school…I miss you, why are these the only memories that flood, re-occurring, why now, why torment me with loneliness now…why…in the dying am I again alone. Maybe eating the sweets help set it off…another callback to misplaced-nostalgia for treasured youth, when I think I had friends or thought I had a family, as we all did.

2:14 pm Sunday February 20, 2022 But OH! The thought of that night with friends in so far away high school, it is too much, I need something fast to fill the emptiness, the teary, sob-inducing loneliness that can overwhelm me, make me want to die right away from being alone, with no one. Fast to the livestream, my only ‘friend’, live people I can find, distract me. Hold on Michael, hold on. One way or the other, the suffering ends, just to be certain if the worst, as it really does seem to be. Put out some fresh syrup for this hummingbird, another sad last or second to last thing but done.

2:03pm Sunday February 20, 2022 Re:Ottawa I see both sides, not the political ones but on-the-ground ones. I have bad news for protestors, the police forces have already done at least one or two day’s hard, long slow work in the cold and snow then gone back to base to feast on some of the best food they have ever had in their lives at the Chateau Laurier or other places. No cry of freedom, no pleading to follow the Charter will sway them after group feeding post-exhausting work. A few live streams from today:

12:45pm Sunday February 20, 2022 Eating a bunch of sweets that are bad for me, one really bad but made with butter so helps a bit for that one really bad one for me. Thought best to give in to this soothing even if painful later. As a sad loser thing to do…does not help situation but the mind is grasping for things then do them and find not a solution, so back to sadness. Might not be physical pain if I stay away from grains nightshades with only this little bit. I would like to say I do not care re: potential for pain but at this point one pain for another, or one more, so I could get one last taste of eating normalcy is more like blasé, defeated. Hard decision to give in to it but will be eaten soon enough and if pain well, damn, have you read this thread? It is sad I guess but that contagion is restricted to me, here, I think.

10:33am Sunday February 20, 2022 Live Fast, Die Young, Leave A Beautiful Corpse. Well I did do many different things in effect living fast, always trained for being fast whether for reading or doing physical things; I definitely try to stay youthful, do things as my rides show maybe; and well maybe this is the least of them but I am thinner at the belly than most my age so, okay maybe-ish on the last one there, lol. Not. Why else trim the beard, eh, Michael. Final Verdict: Maybe, Ish-ish Not really, and No Dude.

10:08am Sunday February 20, 2022 The pain of staying alive longer. With nothing really happening with the livestreams from Ottawa now, the feelings of being alone, lonely return. I need to go outside but feel ashamed personally, difficult to go outside, have others see me who knew of me around the neighborhood. I remember the feeling returning home from a Stanley Cup riot in Montreal, alone in basement, so empty inside versus getting swept up in mob emotions, so empty inside, the difference was palpable back then. The emptiness of being alone. Have to embrace it, realize no one really cares about me, never did that was just me wanting others to care, no matter what else, it is my own inabilities and errors. I have to accept what I have to do as a consequence, forget sadness, blank the emotion to get to the doing when it is necessary. Waiting for a fruitless, stupid and delusional hope, a little while longer until then is difficult with these emotions but necessary to exhaust all hope first. Two or three days from now should provide the answer, I think. Shave my face, maybe for the last Time. Take a shower too, have not since Thursday. Keep going a little longer Michael, a little longer, at least.

8:03am Sunday February 20, 2022 Beautiful day to take one of my Sunday 50+ mile bicycle rides but I fear I would start sobbing, being sad at the things I enjoy. IDK, maybe not when interacting with the lovely people on the bike paths but when I got close to home again, might start feeling pretty bad. Maybe, IDK. The bike route cutoff at English Bay is particularly frustrating now, no longer enjoyable ride by shore but away up on the street as pedestrians now have two walkways in park while cycles now have zero in park, after they got rid of us on first path, created another and now removed form that one, pushed to street. Pretty nasty of the so-called”Park Board” in Vancouver, imo.

7:14am Sunday February 20, 2022 My heart breaks as the Sun comes out, no more beautiful Sunny days for me, my heart is breaking. “Steel yourself Michael, live on if only for a few more days”. So be it. I do want to see how the world reacts to Ottawa in the next few days though and that sad feeling does go away or can be suppressed if you do not allow it to grow.

5:42am Sunday February 20, 2022 I want to see how the world reacts to what happened in Ottawa, particularly the shows I follow on YouTube but not wait until the last minute, here. Get it done. Why wait you might ask, well, it would be remiss to not to give a few days before it is super-clear there is no way to live anymore, as I am pretty certain is the case but still doing the proper thing, waiting to be certain. The stuff I talk about below relating to raising kids, it is about trust, never having any, being mistrustful.

I have never had anyone I could trust for advice, so can never trust anyone with their advice outside whether it feels good. Well if there was someone trusted who could explain how sometimes you will feel bad but the outcomes will be good, that would have been good advice to receive. But with no trusted anyone ever, there is no way to know who is telling the truth about such things until years later, if/when you figure it out but even then, can be too late or not entirely received.

2:54pm Saturday, February 19, 2022 I am happy to be in this part of the world, Canada, though. As close to peace and sensibility as I could get, short of America. Which I should have tried harder to get to decades ago, so only me to blame for that. Not doing more to get around the automatic cutoff age which I missed by a year, disheartened instead trying other places in Canada. Perhaps one of many errors.

1:21pm Saturday, February 19, 2022 Some things are hard already. When you lose something, nostalgia can break your heart when you remember them, like friends or love you no longer have, recalled while watching or thinking of watching an old movie or listening to an old song.

Today that happened to me for just drinking the good grass fed milk with green tea. I am sad and sorrowful to lose the ability to feel okay, without pain anymore, will no longer be drinking anymore of this amazingly helpful thing. Just when I find out what affects me, I have to no way any longer to be able to live anymore. So when I go for the milk, see it in fridge, it breaks my heart as I go to the fridge, pour it out, use it as my life is over without it, instead of elevated with it. Canada.

10am February 19, Saturday An apology to my childhood friends whom I still keep in contact if only via Facebook. Such a winner. It is true I wish someone would care enough to bring me back to where I was raised, stay housed but that is false, stupid misplace hope, self-defeating delusion born of bad upbringing, where instead of having a family to invest your love, care and duty in, you don’t have that at home so misplace that emotion towards the friends you grow up with who can never return it as they already have that sort connection where it naturally resides. It is okay, it is not on them/you, it is me.
Work to stave this off in the young, be aware it is a common problem with broken or bad families, which then can cause other societal problems later. Parents need to take responsibility for badly raising children.
Still watching Ottawa Live today, Youtube search on Live tab for “Ottawa”.

Next Morning Friday, February 18, 2022 Still in a pain day for yesterday but I am over for real now just fyi. Old, cannot eat most food without severe pain now homelessness I cannot do it, cannot carry bags like a knapsack or push things, rolling carts, impossible for me to live now. All the best, it is important to have good families. Life does not proceed well without that. Ever since I had filed the Patent I wished I was back in Montreal as you need a network of people to help launch a business, hard to find that attitude of friendly support in a town of strangers/different culture. I will put up the Patent at my Youtube channel at the least so others can benefit/maybe some last words from me next week.

Thursday, February 17, 2022 They did not accept my evidence I sent in on February 2nd, over 14 days before hearing while accepting hearsay evidence filed in response to that exact same evidence. Then looked at two of the videos previous ruled inadmissible when the Respondent’s Counsel approved it. One with the context about me being attacked then the second with no context of what led to me recording, him stalking me as I went in and out of building. Without context said me recording video of these guys being abusive towards me was me provoking them versus collecting evidence then the Arbitrator, then he kicked me out on February 28th, 2022. 11 days from now.
Well, I accept the death that is coming. Make your peace with me, thanks. They could not kill me with clot shot but they did it this way, dirty.
Sort of expected it was possible given the tyranny here in BC – have a pain day now – but will see in the next few days, I am done for sure though I think,there is no doubt about that. Spent money on groceries etc, broke with meat in fridge, Great.
My side which was ignored and why I cannot go forward especially in that short period so one writer/artist dissident dealt with, removed is here: DisputeSubmissionText-RTB310051415-MTripper.pdf

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